I Thought You Were My Person, But You Chose To End It

My mind still plays how we first met.

I open my eyes and can envision the second night we tried to test the waters and how you decided to give up in the blink of an eye.

Perhaps it’s wrong that we hurried things along. We are incorrect in believing that dipping our toes into each other’s lives could make us better, that loving you could help me heal from my long-enduring trauma.

I used to be the best thing that ever happened to you until I wasn’t any longer. Your feelings altered gradually, and the thought of you loving me once made me wait, thinking you could love me again. But the harsh reality is that I was never enough for you. You only loved me when things were flourishing, but when your world started to crumble, you stopped making at least a slight attempt to make me feel cherished and looked after.

Maybe at some point along the way, you just stopped loving me. But it should be mentioned that I didn’t, from end to end. Until I got tired of asking for the love you once had, until I began to fall apart.

I don’t easily give up on people I love. And you did. You gave up on me — on us. I sometimes wonder if I was your person, because you were mine. And sometimes I think, have you ever loved me quite enough? But here I am now, replaying all the moments we had.

It might be my fault, and I could easily point my finger at you. But I could never figure that one out. You had a long list of all my shortcomings, and I still recall every single one of them like the back of my hand. I could probably outnumber you if only I counted all the moments you fell short. But I did not make a list, because then I would have a reason to leave. I can never imagine sitting across the table with someone new, sharing the same untold story I only shared with you.

I sometimes wish you’d realize it was a mistake to end it — that you’re letting go of the best love you could ever have. Still, I have to accept that all’s said and done. I have just been racking my brain to figure out what went wrong, but here’s to accepting what is.

Here’s to us for trying and believing that this will work. Here’s to you for finally realizing that you and I would never work, no matter how long we were together. Here’s to both unpleasant and happy memories, to all the quarrels, kisses, and late-night cuddles. Here’s to me trying to accept that you chose to go, recognizing that my time in your life is over.

And then, here’s goodbye.

I hope someday I find it in myself to accept that you, too, were only a phase in my life and that I’d discover the silver lining in losing you — in mourning for the death of our relationship. I know for a fact that we were falling on the deep end, but I hope someday I’ll wake up in peace, appreciating the beauty of your absence.

We were together for almost a decade, but it wasn’t that long compared to the years we spent before our relationship. You are merely a season that came and left scars and memories that I will never be able to forget. But I know I can compose fresh chapters without you in it. I loved you, and I don’t think it will fade soon. But I’ll give it a shot. I’ll get over you—someday, somehow.