When You Want Love But Won’t Stop Getting In Your Own Way

I want to be loved. I want someone to look at me like I’m the greatest thing that ever happened to them. I want to be someone’s safe space, I want them to seek me for comfort because no one else can ease their mind better than me. I want to be someone’s light—when they’re stuck in the dark they walk towards me to see again. I want to be someone’s happy place—they want to share great things with me first. I want someone to miss me so much it hurts. 

The problem is, I won’t let anyone love me. I won’t let anyone in far enough to be all of those things. My walls are built solid around the part of my heart that holds the title ‘Significant Other’. It’s damn near impenetrable. Because if I become all of those things to someone, what if they leave? I can’t hardly fathom the idea of picking up the pieces of another heartbreak and putting myself back together again. I can’t imagine letting someone in so far, and then it ends. I can’t imagine sitting and crying on the bathroom floor wondering what I could’ve done differently for it to work out. 

Basically, I’m in my own way. I’m in the way of me being loved. There are people that have shown me they’ll love me correctly, but I won’t let them. I won’t let them because of other people who hurt me before them. I won’t let them because of the feeling that comes with loss and disappointment. So I make small, fleeting connections, and as soon as I hear or feel the love coming in, I run away. It’s easier to turn away for me than it is to be loved. 

Maybe one day I won’t run. But I know that one day is far off in the distance. Because I know I’m not ready to get out of my own way.