Table For One: How I Learned To Love Spending Time Alone
I write this sitting alone at a dinner restaurant on the second day of my weekend vacation. I just finished a long day of exploring the beautiful city of Edinburgh, after making the last-minute decision to hop on over to Scotland from my university in Londonāno complications, no second-guesses, no worries of being alone. As I wait for my meal, I reflect on my day, and all the amazing things I saw. I enjoy listening to my thoughts as the time passes.
How did this happen?
A mere two months ago, I never wouldāve pictured myself visiting a new country on my own. Going out for a solo dinner or seeing a play alone felt like failure; I just needed someone to enjoy it with, and it hurt when I couldnāt find anyone to go with me. I didnāt have the confidence or independence to truly enjoy an excursion on my own, let alone plan and embark on a vacation with nobody by my side.
For everyone whoās already self-sufficient, this probably sounds rudimentary. But itās not like I had a compulsive need to have someone by my side at all times, like a clingy puppy dog. This problem goes past the fact that Iām an extreme extrovert and busybody; it reflects larger, deeper conflicts.
For my whole life, Iāve always been able to rely on someone else for a sense of comfortāmy parents, my sister, my closest friends who feel like family. And the times I didnāt have anyone (primarily at sleep-away camp or summer programs), it was always a short-lived experience where I had some remaining source of comfortālike one family member, the familiarity of my location, or the knowledge that Iād be going home soon. So, when I was recently thrown into the lionās den of being on my own for a long period of time, without any sense of comfort, I went into a large unhappy stateāwhich eventually led to a period of growth I never anticipated.
It started in September, when I moved from Torontoāwhere I was born and raisedāto London for a semester abroad. Because I knew nobody when I entered university three years ago and it was a positive experience, I decided to take it up a notch this term by going on exchange by myself. I left everything I knew for a temporary new life, one I thought would be a breeze, but instead, I learned how difficult it is to truly be on your own.
Now, donāt assume this happened because I couldnāt make friendsāthat wasnāt the problem. The fact is, when you move to a completely new place on your own, youāll need to spend large periods of time by yourself because of everyoneās conflicting schedules. That also means feeling lonely sometimes. That being said, this didnāt happen to me when I moved away for university because I still had my family relatively close by, and there was no culture shock. Thereās nothing quite like moving across the world, and it made me feel more alone than ever before.
It was only when I was forced to actually spend time by myself that I was able to confront the negativity Iād associated with being alone. Through a lot of introspection, I realized I canāt truly love myself if Iām not happy in my own company. So, when Iād ask my new friends to participate in an activity and they were busy, I started thinking, you know what? Iām gonna try this on my own. From then on, I began planning lots of āsolo datesā around London and grew more comfortable with the idea of spending time with myself. I realized that although itās fun to share an experience with someone else, it can be just as enjoyable to try something alone. And I learned that itās actually empowering and a strength to spend large sums of time on my own because it demonstrates that I donāt need anyone else to have a good time. For years, Iād been claiming that I didnāt need anyone else to enjoy myself, but frankly, I hadnāt walked the walk.
Then, when it came time to decide on my mid-semester travels, I was stumped. I had a difficult decision to make: either force myself into other peopleās plans, which may not align with my preferred destinations and scheduling, or travel somewhere alone, which was far more daunting. And I chose the latter, setting off for The Netherlands.Ā
Those few days on my own were the most eye-opening and life-changing Iād experienced in a whileāmaybe even my whole life. My realizations about the strength and power in spending time alone were confirmed and emphasized. I spent each day with my eyes wide, exploring and gaining new experiences. The world was my oyster; there was nobody to hold me back or say āno.ā It was just me. And I genuinely, totally, and completely loved it.
That week was a turning point for me. I went from barely having enough confidence to go for dinner by myself to absolutely adoring solo traveling in a new country. No longer am I afraid of spending time alone, claiming Iām ājust too extroverted for thatāāand Iām now able to be my own source of comfort in potentially isolating situations.
As time goes on, Iām moving on from the girl I was at the beginning of this semester: the more dependent, insecure one. Sure, it took a lot of anxiety, tears, and confusion, but Iāll be coming home as somebody whoās proud to say, āTable for one.ā