Stop Giving Second Chances To People Who Don’t Deserve Them

I walk into my room at two in the morning after a night of dinner and drinks. I spent the last few hours chatting and joking around with a relatively new friend group—people I’ve confided in for the past few months, people I’d arbitrarily decided would be lifelong friends from the second I met them. And even though I was laughing just a few minutes ago, something feels… wrong. My stomach churns; I feel strangely self-conscious and insecure, especially when thinking back on the night. But it’s not a pressing feeling—I just notice this discomfort deep in the pit of my stomach.

Although we spent lots of time laughing and having fun, I begin to remember slight instances that slyly ridiculed or pushed me aside, leaving me with a snowball effect of uneasiness throughout the night—like ignoring me, interrupting me, leaving me out, devaluing what I have to say, and barely even looking at me at times. As I continue looking back on the night, I suddenly feel belittled. I can’t believe I spent several hours making excuses for behavior I normally would never tolerate. I tell myself they aren’t the right friends for me and I won’t hang out with them again.

This isn’t the first time I left a gathering with this friend group feeling misunderstood. And it certainly isn’t the first time I told myself “Never again.” I keep going back—like a bad on-again, off-again relationship. I willingly continue to be hurt by the same people, ensuring to be my kindest, funniest, and best self each time, hoping to win them over once again. But every time, I proceed to feel let down. 

Meanwhile, my true friends and solid relationships become tired of my same patterns. They become angry that I keep giving people the time of day who don’t deserve it and that I offer my friendship and loyalty to people who don’t return the courtesy.

But no matter how much I tell myself I won’t go back, I keep giving this group another chance, thinking I’ll feel the same way I do with my friends back home — light, confident, happy, loved. I don’t consider that they aren’t even asking for second chances or forgiveness and that I’m giving it to them anyway. They don’t even know I’m upset in the first place, because they aren’t able to empathize like I could all those times when I was there for them. And although they never asked, I gave them a second, third, and fourth chance anyway, only to be let down once again. But it’s not my duty to give it to them ever again. 

This time, I’m done. I’m letting go of the FOMO I have every time they make plans and invite me, because I know I’ll end up hurt. Next time, I’ll remember the nights I came back to my room with that sinking feeling, that pit in my stomach, because they weren’t treating me with the level of respect I anticipated. 

But it’s not like they’re bad people—I do think they have good in their hearts. After all, there’s a reason I kept coming back; it wasn’t just FOMO, but also that we do have fun together. It’s only when I leave the rush of extroversion and enjoyment that I realize the negative impact these friendships are having on me, and more specifically, my self-confidence. 

There’s no “good guy” or “bad guy” in this scenario—these friends are just not right for me. Sometimes there’s no sudden crack in the glass, no specific incident that takes a full 180 on everything you thought you knew about a person; sometimes the friendship just wasn’t meant to work out from the beginning. And often in these cases, it’s not worth salvaging. It’s about time I come to terms with this for my own sanity.

To these friends: I liked you, and I tried. I really did. I was my best self for you, took conscious efforts to better myself for you, and made myself believe I was overreacting when I felt hurt by you. But now I can see I’m out of second chances.