I Wish I Could Spend Every Day Alone With You

I don’t really remember how I was introduced to you, nor what our first conversation was four years ago. Oh, yes, mostly hi and hello. I just remember pronouncing your name again and again because I found it hard and distinctive. I just remember what time you’d arrive at work, what time you’d leave, and that was it—I just knew you existed.

But recently, it’s been different. I’ve become so much more aware of the things you do. In silence, I have watched how you move, how you talk, how many times you adjust your specs, and how many times you go for a smoke. Your inhales, your exhales, your smell, the way you lick your lips, the way you write and think, the way you handle things, and the sound of your heartbeats.

The moment it came to me, I just knew I found a little love. I’ll describe it in a way that, as if it has always been there, like I had seen it a thousand times before, waiting to welcome me. Like the sort of melodic song that I love but haven’t listened to in a long time, like a museum I haven’t visited in too long, like the dessert I’ve been craving, like an old love letter waiting for me to find it. What a plot twist you are.

How then every smile, every kind word, every little gesture, and every gaze brings me closer to all the things I’ve ever longed for. How the end of the world doesn’t matter anymore because you make my lifetime worth the trouble. Your warmth is like golden sunshine bearing down on me with just enough heat. These delicate, fragile, misfit, fleeting things. Your gentleness makes me want to undress and show my bare self, because I know all my feelings and all of who I am is welcome. I would like to kiss you in that car with the smoke in your mouth. My Yin and Yang, as I call you, where kindness and darkness are equally well. My half heaven, my half hell.

Long drive, sunrise, sunset, me, and you. You showed me a place I’ve never seen before, a little rendezvous. But knowing I won’t see all the versions of you makes my chest hurt for a second. You fill in the spaces in my heart mostly with butterflies, connections, and new emotions.

I find myself wishing that every day was like this one. Alone with you. All of you. All mine. Every time. All the time.