Zodiacs Ranked By How Long They Agonize Over Composing An Email

SCORPIO

Scorpio doesn’t even blink before sending the most ruthless text to their ex, so a professional email mean absolutely nothing to them. It’s likely they have responses templated and ready to go just so they don’t waste their time or their breath.

ARIES

Aries will search their inbox, drag, drop, and shoot you a, “Please see attached” memo faster than you can type in your password. It’s second nature to them, like breathing, or checking your Instagram. They always keep their receipts. Always.

LEO

Leo is friends with literally everyone they work with, all their clients, and immediately ingratiates themselves to anyone they “e-meet” so they don’t think twice before writing a charming note or signing it “Cheers” before hitting send.

TAURUS

Taurus knows their time means money so they are writing you the shortest, most succinct emails of all time. There is no “Dear so and so”, no capitalization of letters, barely any punctuation, and they’re sure to sign off with their initials only.

CANCER

Cancer is going to be the level-headed employee that takes a beat before responding to an irritating e-mail. They’ll consult managers when needed, or god forbid HR, and never be caught sending anything questionable. Even so, they’re quick to get help with big decisions.

SAGITTARIUS

The schmoozer in Sagittarius wants to wow you with their e-mail. They want it to be the perfect length, friendly but not informal, professional but not robotic. They will be careful choosing their words, but confident enough not to linger over the draft for too long.

LIBRA

Libra is the diplomat of e-mail communication. They are the one who gets called in when the big guns are needed. Announcements made to the entire organization. Heated exchanges deescalated. Things that take time and planning to effectively communicate.

VIRGO

Virgo is going to absolutely destroy you, your confidence, and your reputation in a single e-mail. They are going to spend time building a case which they will then lay out paragraph by scathing paragraph. And then, after hours of rewrites, they are going to delete it and send something that won’t get them fired instead.

AQUARIUS

Aquarius is tasked with crafting the donation e-mails, the marketing e-mails, the “I promise, this really is the last sale of the year” e-mails. The ones that get you to open your pocket book by appealing to your emotions or your spontaneity. It takes an excruciating amount of time to stand out from all the other “[POLITITIAN] NEEDS YOUR HELP NOW” subject lines out there.

PISCES

Pisces sits and stares at the screen without typing a single word for at least thirty minutes before composing their email. They are playing out every single scenario that could occur. All the things they could say, all the the ways you could respond, how they would respond to your response, and this is why they never get anything done.

GEMINI

Gemini is terrified to ask anyone for what they need, but they have a deadline that’s quickly approaching, and they can never miss a deadline, so they sit there agonizing over how they are going to work up the courage to send off that draft for review, and would you look at the time? Beads of sweat are literally falling on the keyboard now and if they don’t hit send soon their whole laptop will fry. AHHHHHHHHHH.

CAPRICORN

Capricorn has a file in their inbox of all the greatest emails they’ve ever received across the entirety of their career, and every time they find themselves terrified to write a good enough email of their own, they read through that entire folder looking for inspiration and guidance. And then they spend hours, no days, drafting up an email they feel could make or break the rest of their life, and then let it sit in drafts until they literally have no other choice but to hit send, but then get their cubicle neighbor to do it for them because the anxiety is so crippling their hands become an eagle claw that is no longer compatible with controlling a mouse…